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I felt a funeral in my Brain - A journey through grief (13)

Posted on March 22, 2016 at 10:50 AM Comments comments (0)

I’m laying here in my bed staring at the clock, eyes swollen from last nights’ tears and head pounding. Today is Dereks’ funeral, I know I need to get up and get the children ready. I know we need to do this today but I feel like curling up in a ball and hiding here all day. I dread the service, seeing his casket being wheeled into the church as I have so many loved ones before. Knowing I won’t see him after today. I know what it was like for me losing my parents as ...

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10 Days In- A journey through grief (14)

Posted on March 21, 2016 at 7:10 PM Comments comments (0)

Being here without him just seems so unbelievably wrong. Words cannot express the aching in my heart. I spent the last few days trying to find letters, cards, emails…anything that he wrote to me. I call our number just to hear his voice on the machine. So much of me wants to just stay in bed and cry until it’s my turn to go with him. I force myself to get up every morning, as well as during the night with Anna, and try my best to take good care of the children while maintaining t...

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The Wake - A journey through grief (12)

Posted on March 21, 2016 at 1:10 PM Comments comments (0)

Derek, It is the day of your wake, but as I start to wake up I see you in my dream. You give me a soft gentle kiss and tell me I can do this. That moment, that feeling of you near me brings me through the entire day.

I went to the funeral parlor early to give them the rest of his outfit for burial which included the slippers he loved to wear in the house or out doing errands. The funeral director met me at the door and escorted me in. His de...

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Stumbling through my first day alone - A journey through grief (11)

Posted on March 15, 2016 at 7:45 PM Comments comments (0)

Even with my eyes closed the light penetrates my slumber and I suddenly can hear the cars passing on the road below. I recognize the comfort of my bed and instantly wonder if Derek’s passing has all been some horrible dream. My eyes spring open and I look for him, but he’s not beside me. As I start to awaken and see the bag from the hospital sitting on the floor. My heart sinks and I know it’s real, he’s really gone. I’m distraught and I can’t understand...

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Empty - A journey through grief (10)

Posted on March 14, 2016 at 1:55 PM Comments comments (0)

The van stops, I glance forward and realize I’m home. I know I need to go in, I need to tell them Daddy isn’t coming home. I feel so sick and my head is spinning, the thought of the pain my words will cause is crushing me. They absolutely adore their Daddy, he’s the tickle monster, the goofy voices and the silly faces that always brings a smile. He’s their caretaker and their hero. I force myself to move, opening the van door and starting towards the house. As I r...

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A journey through grief (9)

Posted on March 12, 2016 at 8:10 AM Comments comments (0)

I’m suddenly aware of a hand on my shoulder, I glance behind me to see, Becky, Derek’s’ sister and a best friend to both of us. Her blue eyes full of tears as she pulls me to her “Beck, he’s my life” I whisper as I tuck my head to her shoulder. She squeezes me closer for a moment without words. I hear another voice enter the room, “the doctor would like to talk to you” the woman says plainly. With that I’m guided to a small room that ho...

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A Journey Through Grief (8)

Posted on March 10, 2016 at 9:15 AM Comments comments (1)

It has been a really long day, lots of visitors and it is ending as rocky as it began. When they tried to turn you your heart jumped all over the place with very abnormal blood pressures. Your oxygen had to be turned up to 100% and you are now oxygenating at 90% after finally settling down. They did another blood gas at 12:00am and said that it was slightly better than the last one so they agreed to let you stay on your back until at least 3:00am when they will do a recheck. Hoping you keep...

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A Journey through Grief (7)

Posted on March 9, 2016 at 1:10 PM Comments comments (0)

The past couple of days have been a bit of a roller coaster. Thankfully after changing position all of your vitals stabilized. You were placed back on the Prisma machine as well as dialysis and have done fairly well. Your nurse Joanie threatened you to behave so maybe that’s why :-) . I spoke to Matthew, he got a 102 on his spelling test so he was very proud of himself. He also mentioned that he was pulled into the guidance office where the nurse and guidance counselor proceeded to qu...

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He's very sick - A journey through grief (6)

Posted on March 9, 2016 at 12:45 AM Comments comments (0)

It’s Sunday January 4th and we have been at this hospital since December 31st. During this time I’ve learned how to read and understand all the machines that you are hooked to. I’ve taken to using time when others are visiting you to go to the waiting room computer and research all potential illnesses you could have contracted. With the help of the nurses I have a running list of all things you have been tested for which ranges from the routine to the obscure. We are look...

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This Can't be happening - A journey through grief (5)

Posted on March 3, 2016 at 9:50 AM Comments comments (0)

A swarm of hospital staff surrounded you as they lowered you from the ambulance. I managed to get beside you to hold your hand, to my surprise you squeezed mine so tightly. I felt your fear, your pain and I wished I could take it away. I stayed by you as we were taken to the ICU unit. Once there however you were taken into the room behind two very large glass doors and I was made to wait outside as they worked to get you connected to far too many machines. While I stood there I recounted al...

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